Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Love Is a Choice by Jenna Lorick
I will never forget waking up on the morning of October 16th. We were still completely jet lagged but nothing could keep us from rushing down the stairs of the babies home that day to meet our sweet Kenzi. It was so surreal to finally have the little girl in our arms we had been praying over for years.. My emotions ran crazy and continued to do so as I remained in country for another 6 weeks to finalize the process.
It wasn’t until I arrived home and all of the craziness settled down that I realized this would be harder than I thought.
Loving my biological kiddos came so easily. I am certain now that a lot of that stemmed from their desire for me. As new babies they needed me and wanted me. They would always choose me over anyone else. I loved them, and they loved me back.
With sweet Kenzi it was different. Even at 11 months she had learned to be so independent. She didn’t need me to hold her, or rock her, or even to hold her bottle. She was perfectly happy to go to anyone and most of the time she didn’t even want to come back to me. There were times when someone would be helping me get all of the kiddos to the car and she would hit and even scream when she had to come back to me. It crushed my heart and made it so difficult for me to feel those loving mama feelings towards her. And all the while I was running into people who were praising me for doing “such a great thing”…I just felt like a fraud.
I couldn’t believe it. Here I was struggling with the one part of this whole process that I thought would be the easiest.