God promises a lot of things to His children written in His book to us. In
Jeremiah 29:11, He promises not to harm us and to give us a hope and a future.
In Exodus 14:14, He promises to fight for us if we are still. Isaiah 40:31 says
if we have hope in the Lord He will renew our strength and we can run and not
grow weary. And one of my favorite promises of them all is in Philippians 4
when God promises to provide peace that transcends all understanding if we will
not worry or be anxious. I haven’t found the promise yet that life would be
easy. In fact God says “you will have trouble in this world” but yet another
promise is that He has overcome the world.
My family has been on quite a journey the last 18months. I have never held
so tightly to God’s promises for me. My now five year old daughter, Avery, was
diagnosed with leukemia in February of last year. Just after her 4th birthday and
after a perfect well doctor’s visit, she developed sudden bruising. We
immediately got her checked out and heard the words no parent ever deserves or
expects to hear....”she has cancer.”
Our hearts were crushed and our world at that moment was turned upside
down. She has been through more in the last 18 months than most of us can say
in a lifetime. She has been poked and prodded over one hundred times, has lost
her hair twice, and experienced the horrible side effects from chemotherapy
that everyone hears about. And through it all, God is using the strength,
bravery, and faith of my five year old daughter to teach this momma some pretty
special things.
I think back to last summer and a day that Avery had to go to clinic to get
chemotherapy. This particular chemo is given in the form of two shots. Avery
had received this drug several times before and with each administration it became
more difficult for Avery to be willing and cooperative for the shots to be
given. The three nurses that it would take to hold her down came in and that is
when Avery lost it. As the nurses are preparing her legs, Avery is screaming,
“No, mommy. No, mommy. I don’t want to. Please mommy no. It’s going to hurt. I
don’t want to do it.” My heart actually aches. She isn’t telling them no but is
telling me no. She wants me to make them stop.
I am her mom and the one that is
supposed to be able to take all this away from her. But I can’t take this away,
so all I do is squeeze her hands close to her chest. I have my mouth near her
ear and as her tears mix with my tears on our cheeks, I whisper close to her,
“I know baby. I know you don’t want to. I know it’s going to hurt. I just need
you to be still for just a while. It will be over in just a minute. I love you
baby girl. Mommy loves you so much.” It feels like an eternity, but it lasts
less than a minute, and after the Band Aids are in place she clings to me
again. I pick her up, and she rests her head on my chest. Her sobs finally
begin to die down. I tell her over and over how proud I am. “You are so brave,
Avery. You did so well. I am so proud of you.” She rests in my arms clinging to
my hand, and she never lets go as she drifts off to sleep.
What an amazing picture it painted for me of my heavenly father. I remember
day one of this journey pleading to my Father, “No, God, no. I don’t want to do
this. Please God no. I don’t want to do it; this hurts too much. I can’t do
this.” But God whispers in my ear and cries with me, “I know my child. I know
you don’t want to. I know it’s going to hurt. I just need you to be still for
just a little while. It will be over before you know it. I love you my
daughter. Your Father loves you so much!!!” And all I can do is cling to Him.
I’m not mad or angry at God for choosing Avery to have to go through this. I
just have to hold His hand and trust He knows what is best for my girl. And I pray
one day I hear the words from my Heavenly Father…”You did good my daughter, I
am so proud of you.” God promises His children so much, but commands much of us
as well. I will continue to trust and to be still and let God fight for me.
It’s the only way I can survive this journey. “I will cling to you; your right
hand upholds me.” Psalm 63:8 and I will “Be still, and know that I am God,”
Psalm 46:10
Your words are such a blessing to me. What a beautiful comparison of how God sees us, his children. I think the hardest part for me personally is to "be still". I naturally want to try to fix everything. It's hard for me to just be still and let God take the reins. I want you to know that I will be praying for Avery and for your family. Thank you for taking some time to tell your story through this blog. It was a blessing and an eye opener for me. Your sister in Him, Rachel Lomastro
ReplyDeleteThis blessed me so much. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you on this journey. God is so good.
ReplyDeleteI have had cancer and have endured the awful side-effects of chemo. That has caused me to have a very special place in my heart for all cancer patients, but when I see pix of the children at St. Judes, my heart is crushed because I know something of what they are going through. Kimberly, you, your family, and especially little Avery are now on my prayer list. May God give you the peace and the strength that you need to get through this.
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